Dear Callie

How do I put into words the sadness I have in my heart for losing you. How do I apologize enough for not being able to save you. How do I go from being a crazy cat lady to mourning the decision we had to make for you.

Everytime I think that life is going back to normal I see a reminder of your place in our household. A forgotten toy, a rogue cat treat that you were saving for later or just one of the many photos of you. Suddenly that feeling like I am choking on nothing returns and I feel like I will never move on.

I wish things had been different. I wish we had known what to expect. I wish we had had you in our lives for longer than the last two, short years.

Some people won’t understand what it is like to lose you but for me its like I have lost a member of my family, albeit a smaller, fluffier one than most. I won’t feel ashamed for missing you but I will be hopeful that eventually it will stop hurting so much.

I have so much to say but the words don’t come easy. I know you are better now and no longer in pain. I am glad that now we carry the pain instead whilst you move on. I am also glad I got to hold you for those last few moments of your short life.

Thank you. For inviting yourself into our lives. For sharing our meals even when we didn’t want to. For spending each night as part of our bedtime huddle and enjoying long weekend sleep ins. For taking up my instagram with endless photos of your gorgeous face. For being awake with me at night when I couldn’t sleep. For being the sassiest cat I knew and scaring away all the neighbors despite your tiny size. For being there for me when I felt alone or sad, even if you didn’t understand why I needed your cuddles. For annoying me when I chopped vegetables and then looking at me with disgust when I offered you some. For sticking your head in bags of Doritos. For watching cat videos on youtube and loving them almost as much as me. For sitting on my lap through endless hours of study and blogging even though there wasn’t much room under my desk. For being a part of lives that was so much bigger than I could have expected.

Thank you for reminding me to cherish each moment we have with our loved ones.

We won’t ever forget you

xx

If you tame me, we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I will be unique