Posts Tagged ‘Inside My Mind’

On Growing Up (and how confusing that can be)


This week I’ve been pondering what it means to “grow up” and whether my life is at the same stage I would have expected as a child looking forward. I know, weird stuff for a Wednesday, but these hopefully mildly coherent ramblings are swilling around in my head like some kind of intensely brewing tea, so I’m keen to get it down and maybe give my brain a little space.

I’m going to try and arrange my haphazard thoughts under some misguided or hopeful thoughts I had as a young version of myself, with bushier hair and the same love of foxes. These “myths” may turn out to be 100% true for some, I have no idea, but I just know (now) that they don’t hold up for me and my journey into the terrifying world of pretending to be an adult.myfoxycorner

Myth #1: “You will know once you are suddenly an adult.”

There’s that weird transition where at some point you become an adult. It’s not like a light switch that turns on and suddenly you fear no one and lose your love for ridiculously sweet lollies.

I guess I am an adult now, I guess I am grown up, but things still seem so unclear. It’s so unlike the impression I had as a child that adulthood was a concrete stage that you would know you had achieved (probably by the fact that suddenly you ironed all your clothes, ate only salads and other totally weird and untrue ideas).

“I am convinced that most people do not grow up… We marry and dare to have children and call that growing up. I think what we do is mostly grow old. We carry accumulation of years in our bodies, and on our faces, but generally our real selves, the children inside, are innocent and shy as magnolias.” – Mary Angelou, Letter to My Daughter

Myth #2: “I’ll be grown up in my 20’s”

Evidence I am not yet a grown up:

  • I still don’t know how to tie my shoelaces
  • Bike riding is something I never quite learnt well enough to remember as an adult (you apparently do forget how to ride a bike if you were pretty crap to begin with)
  • I wear unmatched socks 90% of the time (that other 10% of the time though is all adult)
  • I would eat twisties for dinner each night if Edd didn’t detest them
  • I still shove stuff under my bed instead of tidying it up, and then get into a state weeks later when I can’t find my favourite notebook/yarn/nail polish/drink bottle/fox
  • I order pancakes for breakfast and regret it every single time.
  • I still have never ironed a piece of clothing. Never. You can berate me for it, I don’t even care.
  • I eat enough lollies to make myself sick. Wait an hour or so and then repeat the whole process until I run out of sugar.

Myth #3: “Growing up means you have everything figured out and know exactly what you want from life (and how to get it).”

This illusion that somehow everyone has everything worked out starts to fall apart with each passing year, and it is both a relief (thank god I’m not the only one who doesn’t know how to go to bed before 10.30pm”) and a little scary.

Am I where I thought I would be at 24? No, but then my ideas of what my life would be like were along the lines of crazy cat lady, studying for a undefined PhD (like mum), writing novel after novel and drinking endless cups of tea.).

Instead I am working in a job that I definitely don’t hate but is nothing like what I thought I would be doing, married at 24 (I don’t think I ever thought someone would be stupid enough to marry me), still living in Auckland, scribbling away on a tiny little minuscule piece of the internet and still not really sure of what the future holds.

I’ve reached a stage where I realise that growing up doesn’t mean figuring it all out. Growing up means learning from each experience you have, good and bad, and using every mistake you make as a chance to grow.

myfoxycorner - on growing up

Me at 2 and me at 24. Not much has changed.

Myth #4: “My childhood fears and insecurities will disappear as I mature, leaving me confident, organized and pretty much just awesome at everything/loved by everyone.”

One thing I have learnt is that certain characteristics I have, which I had assumed were childhood fears that would leave me when I matured into a bad-ass, has-her-shit-together adult woman, will never leave me. I will always be that 5 year old child who’s terrified of losing her family. I will always be the 13 year old insecure teenager who wants everyone to like her but simultaneously just wants to be alone by herself a lot of the time. I will always be the 24 year old who will never know 100% what she wants, but will give life a good go in spite of the debilitating fear that she is somehow screwing everything up. Me and my fears/insecurities/bizarre paranoias are good friends now, and I wouldn’t be the weird individual I am today without them.

What I am discovering is that instead of trying to get rid of these inner monologues I have (“oh wow, so and so just ignored your message for like 2 days straight. That definitely means they hate you.”), it’s more useful to try and understand where this is coming from. Acknowledging that it’s okay to feel insecure but at the same time remind myself that these emotions are based on very little and so shouldn’t be taken so seriously.

Myth #5: “One day I’ll be awesome as ‘X’”/ “If I’m as organized as ‘Y’ then my life will be just as incredible and fulfilling as theirs obviously is.”

Another thing I have gathered (thanks to the help of incredible friends) is to stop with comparing my own adulting with other’s adulting. We are all figuring it out, struggling along and learning in different ways and at different paces. The only thing that is useful to compare with is myself, to keep growing and developing. Turns out that I’m not the only one who is sitting here, sipping on a latte pretending I have shit all worked out whilst on the inside I’m having a mini melt down.

We all have to make this journey alone. That’s not to say we don’t need support from friends, family, amazing tv shows and TLC songs, but I guess I’m learning that I can’t base my path on someone else’s. I have to take my own risks, make my own mistakes and wrong turns, and try each day to do things that make me happy, be around people I love.

Where does this leave me?

I may never learn the proper way to tie my shoelaces (my way is better anyway). I may never lose the insecurity that plagues my every social interaction, and instead prefer to stay home with my cat/s. I may never stop asking for advice from my parents, imagining that they are the ones with the answers., what I will do is focus on growing, little by little. Being open to new things and new relationships. Acknowledging that I know next to nothing, and lapping up any chance to learn that I can. Trying to not make the same mistake more than once (or twice). Focusing on finding out what makes me happy and then figuring out ways to do that more.

There’s not “aha” moment where suddenly the clouds of childhood clear and suddenly this screwed up, beautiful adult world makes sense. This means I’ll never lose the opportunity to view the world with the wonder of a child, but I’ll also be able to make the decisions with the experience of my years, may they be seemingly random and inappropriate where necessary.

This post was spurred by a linkup done by the lovely Lisa from allinthedaze, all about writing from the heart (make sure you take part!). Her question was about whether we are at the stage we thought we would be as a “grown up” (but as you can tell I kind of took that and then flew rather off course).

What about you? Are you where you wanted to be?

Inside My Mind #4

  • I don’t think I have mentioned on the blog yet that I saw Wicked. Well I did and it was kind of mind blowing. The story I already knew was great from reading the book but the show did an amazing job of adapting the rather complex plot and combining it with stunning sets and a generally incredible production. The two leads were nothing less than perfection, I wanted to go back and watch it again the next day. Unfortunately due to my lack of endless funds for seeing the same musical over and over again I have had to settle for reading the book (settle may be the wrong word, it’s a great book!) and simultaneously singing myself the songs. It isn’t the same. Definitely the best show I have been to and the songs have not stopped running through my head (I’m looking at you Defying Gravity…).

  • Speaking of songs I have only just cottoned on to the popularity of Haim and although I think they sound a bit 90s I kind of love their upbeat songs, perfect for doing dishes or singing along in the car. I may be the last person to finally listen to them, not that this is unusual.
  • It is only Tuesday but it feels like Friday. This week has been full on so far! But also kind of productive which is always good. Although 90% of the time I feel like I am still just doing this:

  • Tonight I made another chickpea salad (I think it may be time to admit I have a problem/obsession) to go with homemade meatballs. I am enjoying trying new meals so much and love experimenting with new ingredients! Unless I fail, then I wish I had just stuck to the standard pasta bake we all know and love.
  • I am super excited for Christmas (to the slight amusement/annoyance of most of my work colleagues) and have been going a little overboard on creating paper based Christmas decorations for the office (sorry trees!). If you are looking for some ideas for Christmas decorating go check out this amazing post by Maddy (I definitely benefited from her help!).
  • I am nearly out of my Lush Dream Dream and cannot live without it for more than a few hours so may have to buy a big tub. This stuff is the only cream my skin just seems to drink up quite happily without turning angry and vengeful.
  • I am reading like 4 books at once at the moment and not finishing any which isn’t working so well. Listening to Inferno by Dan Brown on audiobook is a lot of fun, I love the focus on Florence and art history (good to know my Arts degree would be useful for something even if it is just so I can feel proud when I understand references).
  • I desperate to make some Strawberries and Cream cupcakes using the beautiful new season strawberries available at the moment but I can never find the time :(
  • Speaking of baking and delicious things in general I am heading along to High Tea with Dragon’s cooking class focusing on Christmas gifts (edible ones of course) and I am very excited.
  • I never know how to end these so here is a fox gif. I spend a lot of time looking at these….totally not weird.

At least I think it is a fox. Whatever it is I want one

Inside My Mind #3

  • Today is Labour Monday in New Zealand yet for some reason I offered to do a ten hour shift instead of enjoy the sunshine. Crazy but just keeping the idea of the money in my mind.
  • Also Christmas is not far away (57 Days according to Christmas clock) and I am 80% excited and 20% terrified at how behind I am. 57 days seems like heaps of time but then I find out that people have already finished their shopping.

  • I have been trialling out Lush’s Dream Cream and I think I might be in love. It isn’t cheap so I am reluctant to shell out on the full tub but I know it will last ages and my skin seems to kind of love it. I also smelt the Snow Fairy shower gel that EVERYONE raves about and I couldn’t stand it…It is SO sweet. I much prefer the new rose jam scent. I must be crazy.
  • Edd sent me this link the other day. Unlikely animal friendships just make me happy.
  • Went to Barillia on the weekend so Mr 12 could experience thier dumplings. Was so excited to try the pork and chive dumplings which everyone raved about but unfortunately every single dumpling had an unexplainable big piece of prawn inside (which being allergic to seafood meant I couldn’t eat). I would still go back in a heartbeat but will have to be super careful in case something like that happens again.
  • I am about to start reading Allegiant and I am very excited. It must be the first time in ages I have bought a physical book from book shop full price (and not just the $2 books at opshops).
  • I am also currently reading The Magic (part of The Secret series) and although it is 80% cringeworthy I am hopeful that the remaining 20% will be useful in making me more grateful for what I have.
  • I am planning to start experimenting in cutting out certain food groups (e.g. doing a month gluten free) and seeing how it affects my skin as well as overall health. I think I will try cutting out gluten first of all so any tips on coping without wheat are very welcome.
  • Edd and I are about halfway through Breaking Bad’s final season and it is so intense! I feel like I am holding my breath for the whole episode. I will almost be relieved once it is all over I think.

walter white say my name breaking bad gif

  • On less trendy tv show news I am officially addicted to Beverly Hills Nannies. It is sad and shameful but I thought I should just come out and admit it to you all. It reminds me of being a Nanny but is 100% more glamorous and way more social than my Nannying ever was. I knew I was a sucker for reality tv but I didn’t know it was this bad. Is there some kind of terrible tv rehab because I think I may need it.
  • I can’t wait for this day to be over so I can go home and sleep. Happy Monday everyone!

Inside My Mind


So this is a “thoughts of the week” sort of post and an excuse for my to ramble without needing to form a coherent post and slip in a few low quality/highly filtered instagram photos. Seatbelts on?

I am obsessed with Lorde’s new album; Pure Heroine. I love it even more than I loved her EP because it is mellow and still has a running beat, almost like a pulse, that creates an almost hypnotic effect. Go listen. Now. Spoiler alert: this song is amazing.

Cronuts. Enough said. Actually maybe not. I may have to write a post dedicated to this high calorie treat straight from the food fusion heavens. Although this writer is not so keen (and does it no justice).

I am scared to go to Pub Quiz this week because we have won the $100 bar tab the last two weeks straight so I am both scared we will a)) win again and everyone will hate us or b) lose miserably and face shame and disappointment. Its a lose lose situation.

I am so behind in Breaking Bad (only on season 3 I think) and super terrified someone will spoil what happens in the final season. Same thing I was scared about with the Dexter finale a couple of weeks ago. Luckily the most I heard through social media was that the finale was kind of crap so that wasn’t too bad.

I think I may have eaten too much BurgerFuel recently and now I feel a little queasy whenever anyone mentions it (which I thought was impossible). This may be good for both my wallet and my health. Their aioli is still the best thing ever though.

This Sunday just gone I made some Mississippi mud cookies with my little brothers and I am rather excited to share the recipe with you because they may be my favorite cookies.


Keeping on the track of food I went to Barilla for the first time ever and not being much of a dumpling person I was still blown away by how delicious and yet affordable everything was (our group ended up spending $10 each which is nothing short of a miracle). Going back to eat 100 plates of their fried french beans is high on my list of things to do.

Today I finally found a long lost makeup bag that held a bunch of essentials including my brow-zings kit by Benefit (which I almost cried over when I thought I had lost it) and my favorite Maybelline vivids lipstick in Vivid Rose which I have been so close to repurchasing under the assumption it was lost. The makeup bag wasn’t even anywhere weird, just in a plastic bag in the lounge. How I missed that for weeks and weeks I am unsure but for me this isn’t really a surprise.

I want to watch The Mindy Project. Everyone keeps raving about it and I feel left out. Lately my TV show of choice has been Green Wing (which I adore).

I am currently reading the Tomorrow When the War Began series which I started when I was younger but never got far through. I forgot how amazing the series is. Its the first time in a while where I find it close to impossible to put the book down and go to sleep.

I finally went down to T2 on Queen Street and as expected was overcome with amazing delicious teas and beautiful walls of teacups and teapots that I wanted to take home. I find it hard to justify $20 on a box of tea but couldn’t resist picking up a box of my favourite Turkish apple tea. Along with it I was given a couple of samples to mix with the Apple tea and my favourite (and one I may pick up next time) is the Southern Sunrise (a delicious combo of Grapefruit and Lemongrass).


Last of all, this month as well as making a triumphant return to the gym (we hope) I am also going to attempt a little challenge I saw on Twitter the other day that works up a bunch of core activities. I thought it would be good, especially for when I miss the gym, to have a shorter routine that I also do. I’ll let you know how it goes.